It seems like a dumb question doesn’t it?
Of course, you might say. Everyone matters in the family of God. God loves everyone. This is true. God loves everyone. But do we? Let me put it another way, do we, by our actions, enable divorced people to feel as though they are loved and that they matter in the family of God?
I want to zone specifically in on divorced people. You may want to stop reading at this point because you are not divorced – but this is actually about how all of us welcome and love everyone in the family of God, in our churches.
In Australia 12% of our Australian population is divorced or separated. According to the National Church Life Survey (NCLS), our church population of divorced or separated is half of that number. Is that because we are great at supporting marriages in the church, or because the church is a difficult place to be as a divorcee? In a small sample survey in the US, 52% remained in their church (although 70% of those people considered moving), 33% of divorcees moved churches and 15% left the church entirely.1 The top reasons for leaving included that they were uncomfortable being around the people there, they felt abandoned by the church because of the divorce, they moved away from the area, they were asked to leave by church leadership, or they changed denominations. The top reason for staying included friends or family attending the same church, liking the church programs, they were raised in that church, and not wanting to move the children.
What is interesting is that the top reasons for staying are all functional and did not include anything that to do with belonging, acceptance, love and compassion. The reasons for leaving were a lack of the same. This tells us that we can make our churches functionally welcoming to divorcees but we also need to think about how to make church emotionally welcoming.
Now, this goes for any people who are different to us but this can be a specific issue for divorcees. Mostly this is because our doctrinal beliefs about divorce can influence how we treat the divorcee.
I’m not going to talk about the biblical and pastoral issues surrounding divorce and remarriage (I’ve written about that before and there’s links below). What is important here is how the strength of our local family of God is built on compassion and grace.
Being emotionally welcoming doesn’t mean affirming everything that someone has done. It means we acknowledge that they are our brothers and sisters in Christ. It’s not our job to investigate or judge them. It’s our job to be welcoming. We extend our hands with a smile and with shared hospitality because we are all part of the same family of God with all our faults, under his grace. We don’t want anyone to feel like they don’t belong, or that they should sit at the back on their own, or that they are being judged. We don’t want any children to feel like they are left out, or being pitied or seeing their mum or dad being looked at differently. None of this might be deliberate or obvious. But in the immortal words of Dennis Denuto in the Australian classic movie The Castle, “It’s the vibe.” Families of divorce are hypersensitive. That’s not the same as over-sensitive. Over-sensitive means someone who is being too easily bothered or offended. Hypersensitive is a trauma response that makes someone hyper-aware of risk. This includes hypersensitive anticipation of conflict or adverse behaviour or emotion. Divorcees and their kids will pick up on undercurrents. Until they feel comfortable we may need to overcompensate to make sure the welcome is clear and their belonging has zero ambiguity.
We can also be spiritually welcoming. Jesus sought out tax collectors and sinners so even if the divorce was not a “biblical” one, our role is to walk with them, let them know they belong in the family of God and help them to grow in their relationship with Christ. This helps the divorcees to feel that they matter, that they belong and that the church is an emotionally safe and strong place for them. There may well be self-reflection and repentance required so when we walk with them (as we would with any brother or sister) we are supporting them in their walk with Jesus. Because divorce can be such a public status either because it occurred in the church or because you are there with kids but with no spouse or ring on your finger, it can be tempting to speculate on what happened behind closed doors in a way that we wouldn’t on other, hidden, events. We should resist this and keep our focus on drawing them into the family of God so they can continue to be transformed in his grace.
Ultimately, there are many things we can do as the family of God to help our divorced brothers and sisters know that they matter and that they belong. Here are some blogs that give ideas as to what we can do as a church family to understand divorce properly, and how the church can support divorcees and their kids:
- Is the church right about divorce? Part 1 A Biblical Overview
- Is the church right about divorce? Part 2 Pastoral Considerations
- 5 ways to support single mums on Mothers Day
- Use my label to reach me, not judge me
- Why aren’t there more divorced people in our churches?
You can also be equipped! There’s a seminar on June 13th 2024 which is available in person or online (on the day or afterwards) You can book tickets HERE.
1 https://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3785&context=doctoral