Tag Archives: #celibacy

An open letter from a happy single person on Valentine’s Day

It’s the week before Valentine’s Day. It must be because I’ve started seeing articles and memes about being kind to, and thoughtful of, all the lonely miserable single people. And no doubt that is a thing. Valentine’s Day for many is a reminder of all the things you don’t have. That can be excruciating. Especially when everything everywhere is geared towards rubbing it in your face – 2 for 1 deals for you and that special someone, people forever asking “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day” and even worse, posting their romantic excesses on Facebook. It triggers an extra loneliness because every other day of the year you might feel alone, but on this particular day, you feel super lonely.

We absolutely need to be sensitive to people’s needs around this time.

But lets not assume that every single person is lonely and miserable. I’m single-again (divorced) and decided from the get-go that I would not be in another relationship. So if I was not going to be in a relationship, that means a deliberate choice for single and celibate.

But I am generally a very content alone person. I am happy to be on my own and have a community of Christian brothers and sisters who I can spend time with if I choose. I suppose I miss companionship from time to time – someone to tell about your day, someone to watch TV with, someone to cook with. I guess I feel it the most when times are hard. There’s nobody to fall back on, no one to support you. You have only your own mental and emotional resources and it can be exhausting.

But that doesn’t happen that often in the grand scheme of things and on the whole, I’m very content in my life choice.

How do you “get” that kind of satisfaction? It could be age. Or experience perhaps. It helps that I’m generally very satisfied in my own company. But I have something else. I am content with Jesus.

I can almost hear everybody’s eyes rolling at this point.

I’m not saying “Jesus is my boyfriend” and I’m not saying he is my imaginary friend. I’m saying that an overall happiness in the knowledge of God seeps into a more general state of peace and contentment.

I am also not saying its a silver bullet – an easy fix to “the problem of singleness”. Because it definitely isn’t. Like I said above, some weeks are really hard.

What I am saying is that I don’t see my singleness as a problem. It was my personal choice on theological grounds, but I didn’t (and don’t) see it as a self-flagellating abstinence for the sake of the kingdom.

I see my singleness for what it is – a personal choice, guided by scripture, as to how to live my life.

This seems counter cultural. Our lives are generally focussed on pairing up. It’s a societal norm and cultural expectation. Not being married is to be lacking in something. To not want to be married is something that’s a bit weird.

But Jesus was single.

It’s interesting that in the early church, it was actually celibacy that was exalted to rock-star status. By the time of Martin Luther (and ever since), the pendulum has swung the other way, with the exaltation of marriage. This is problematic in many ways as our churches can be places of great community for families, but much less so for singles, who are seen as “in waiting” til they have spouses of their own.

I’m not waiting. I’m happily single and celibate for the sake of the gospel. I read a lot and I get to know Jesus a little bit more every day, and it is vastly and peacefully satisfying.

I’m not living in a cloister though. I’m living in the world with two kids and a full time job, so how I live out my singleness is just as haphazard and chaotic as anyone else living out their situation.

I live my singleness much the same way that anyone else lives their family situation. It’s not better or worse, its just my life. And I am quite content in it.

So come this Valentine’s Day, if you’d like to know what I’ll be doing – I’m going to see a movie with a mate. It’s an early show because one of my favourite things is also going to bed early, drinking tea and watching TV or reading a book. (Side note: as a younger adult I loved that I could go to bed whenever I wanted. Back then it meant 2 or 3 in the morning. Now it means 9pm).

But, if you need a pick me up, I can highly recommend 7 Myths about Singleness by Sam Alberry. It is solid, biblical, wise and insightful and really should be read by singles and non-singles, because as Alberry points out, everyone will be single again at some point.

Free and fabulous or just single and sad?

I’ve known from the beginning of my separation that I would not be in another relationship. For me there were several reasons. For starters, I have some pretty massive trust issues and while I love the idea of a Hollywood style romantic love that is deeper and more pure than anything, I don’t really believe that’s true. I also have kids and I worry about bringing another male into their lives in a position of influence over them. I am also Christian and my theology informs my conscience which says I should remain single now. I make clear that this is my conscience because this is between me and God. Other people come to a different view and that’s between them and God. I can’t judge. I can only talk about what my conscience tells me about my situation. And for me, singleness is what I have always known will be my future after separation and divorce.

I’ve had to come to this through a process of thought and prayer. In the beginning, it was easy for me to say “I’ll just be single now” because I needed time to heal, and after a breakup I believe its a wise and healthy thing to be a alone for a while.

As time moved on, I had to keep developing my idea of singleness. This was because as I healed, I needed to be sure of what I was thinking. Partially because of my own clarity of thought as the fog thinned, and partially in response to other people’s treatment of my situation.

I’m sad to say that some treated me as though I had become morally tainted for life.  That takes some coming to terms with. You can do your business with God, you can weep and pray. You can be right in the eyes of God. But you can’t be right in the eyes of some humans.

This all goes into the mix. If people judge you as a failure, it plays into how you see yourself. This can drive you away from God, or towards Him.

Praise God that he met me in my mess and when judges were loud, God was louder.

So does that make me free and fabulous? Not really.

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The telly tells me that if I am single I am supposed to be larking about with other single fierce and fabulous women. We would do lunches and go on crazy holidays and call each other while we watch the TV like we’re a conference-call-Gogglebox family.

My life looks like a continuous episode of a really boring TV show. There’s work and parenting and cleaning and cooking and forgetting school presentations and eating toast for dinner. This is not “Sex and the City” this is “Slogging it out and the Suburbs”. Life is good – but it’s relentless.

So am I single and sad? Well that’s a no too. I still choose singleness, but now I am more sure of it, I am more confident in it. The turning point was reading the book of Ruth (which seems somewhat cliche but there you go).

Ruth is a foreigner. An outsider. She has nothing. She is nothing. Boaz, her kinsman protector, shows her special kindness and “She asked him, “Why have I found such favor in your eyes that you notice me—a foreigner?”” (Ruth 2:10).

This is how I felt with God after I was separated. I was an outsider. I had nothing. And I was nothing. And he showed me special kindness. Who was I that God should notice me?

I pondered this for a long time. It resonated deeply with me. But it seemed also familiar, and it drove me to Psalm 8 where a similar line to this sits within a psalm of David. I’ve put the psalm in full below so you can also ponder. It’s a psalm about God’s big-ness, his amazing huge-ness, his absolute glorious infinite powerful massiveness.

Who is my authority? Human judges? Or this God of infinite sovereignty? My authority comes from him. Everything I have and everything I am comes from him.

I am single for the gospel. I am not free and fabulous like the world tantalizes me with. I am not sad and single – I am fabulous and single. I will be single and celibate and proud of it. It won’t be easy. It will be (and already has been) difficult. But God is my rock and my kinsman redeemer. His love and protection are astonishing gifts of grace and I will use my singleness in any way he leads me.

And any time someone judges me for being divorced, I’ll read Psalm 8 and remember where my authority lies.

 

Psalm 8

For the director of music. According to gittith. A psalm of David.

Lord, our Lord,
    how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory
    in the heavens.
Through the praise of children and infants
    you have established a stronghold against your enemies,
    to silence the foe and the avenger.
When I consider your heavens,
    the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
    which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
    human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels
    and crowned them with glory and honor.
You made them rulers over the works of your hands;
    you put everything under their feet:
all flocks and herds,
    and the animals of the wild,
the birds in the sky,
    and the fish in the sea,
    all that swim the paths of the seas.

Lord, our Lord,
    how majestic is your name in all the earth!