It is a modern preoccupation that we can act freely on what we perceive as our personal rights. Indeed, for some we ought to act on these rights because this is our personal truth and life journey. “Rights” are universally applied entitlements that are legislated. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights includes the right to freedom of expression, freedom from torture, the right to education and 27 other rights and freedoms. Our popular concept of ‘rights’ is becoming enlarged though. Since “every right-claim is a view of what’s essential to our humanity and of what we want to defend and keep”[1] we keep adding ‘rights’, not that are universally beneficial, but that are personally advantageous, dressed up in the activism of altruistic endeavour for the common good.
So, when the church talks about divorce and whether it is permitted, this causes explosive moral outrage. Limiting divorce limits freedom. It forces people to stay in destructive marriages. It lacks compassion. It is someone’s right to leave a marriage when it no longer works. Churches believe permitted divorce is limited to adultery, desertion and abuse (as outlined in my previous blog). While divorce will happen for a variety of reasons, is it unfair that any other reason is not biblically permitted and therefore viewed as sinful?
And how can an external organisation tell us what is permitted in our own homes? The view of divorce and the arrogance of a church telling me what is permitted in my own life is irrelevant and wrong, isn’t it?
As we’ll see, the divorcee experience has been varied. We’ll also see that it is in fact important for our churches to be faithful to the teaching of the Bible, but to apply that theology with compassion and grace.
Views from culture and history
Part of our church’s reaction to divorce, or how we perceive churches to respond, might come from our shared history. While the Reformers of the 16th century rejected the sacramental nature of marriage, they accepted biblical grounds for marriage and Zwingli and Calvin established Ordinances (or Councils) to be the arbiters of divorce cases. Martin Luther had written that “But a public divorce, whereby one [the innocent party) is enabled to remarry, must take place through the investigation and decision of the civil authority so that the adultery may be manifest to all.”[2] This meant that divorce was public, evidence based (which by its very nature was deeply personal and humiliating) and the Council decided the guilt or innocence of the parties. If adultery was established, it could be handed to the criminal courts and fines, imprisonment and even banishment could be imposed.[3]
In the UK, the only way to get a divorce before 1857 was by Private Act of Parliament. While the 1857 Matrimonial Causes Act provided grounds for divorce based on adultery, cruelty and desertion, it was still a rare and humiliating process. Further grounds were added in 1937 after a debate that had raged for many years. As an indication of the view of divorce and divorcees at the time, remarried divorcees were excluded from the Church of England until 1938 (and even then, only under some circumstances). Mothers Union barred divorcees and single mothers from membership until the 1960s with a view expressed in 1935 that a tolerance of divorce would mean a “lessening of the moral responsibility which all Christians should feel about entering into marriage.”[4] This is an understandable view but with an application that was judgemental and exclusionary. An intolerance of divorce meant an intolerance of divorcees. It is a pastoral position that Mothers Union has repented of and moved past to more recently support women and families in compassion and love, while still holding theological convictions with respect to marriage.[5] This is, in my opinion, a model of how organisations can move from an unloving past to an amplified Christian, supportive and loving future.
Lived experience of divorcees in church
Part of our perception might come from actual lived experience about how divorce is handled by the church. US data from 2015 shows is that there are varying opinions as to what would be a sinful divorce, and where remarriage is permitted:
- 61% of Protestant pastors in the US would perform the marriage ceremony for a divorced person, depending on the reason, 31% would perform the ceremony no matter what the reason for divorce and 5% said no they would not perform the ceremony at all, regardless of the reason.[6]
- 61% of Protestant Pastors in the US believed that divorce was sinful when the couple no longer loves each other, 39% believed it was a sin to divorce if the spouse was addicted to porn and 32% if the spouse commits adultery. Sadly 28% said that divorce was sinful when the spouse was being abused and 27% when the spouse had been abandoned. This seems to confirm that people who are nothing to do with our lives are making judgements about what we should and should not do.
At the same time, when nearly a third of those respondents see divorce on the grounds of abuse and desertion as sinful, perhaps there are some inherited attitudes within the church itself that are not helpful. This is particularly prevalent in the grey area between pastoral care and qualified professional. Through inexperience or naivete, pastoral carers can give advice which is unwise, inappropriate, and in some cases damaging.
There are also issues that arise when pastoral carers, presumably in looking to care for both parties, try to investigate the truth in a marital situation. This can be fraught with danger in an abuse situation, as abusers are adept at developing a narrative and the pastoral care then becomes about who you believe. The additional danger in this is that pastoral care is then based on judgement. This can be a humans’ natural inclination to investigate, but we should repent of any prideful arrogance that leads us to suppose that we can judge both the situation and the person. As noted in the Sydney Diocese guideline Responding to Domestic Abuse:
“When you haven’t personally experienced abuse, it’s easy to listen with an attitude of assessing whether what is being reported is really abuse. ‘Would I find that abusive? Doesn’t everyone argue sometimes?’ However, when a person has repeatedly been victimised and feels powerless, our response always needs to be to offer support, to listen and give those people the respect of being believed.”
Abuse situations aside, divorce often triggers subconscious biases. If a person is divorced, there must have been sin. People wonder what the sin was. Even these permitted causes (which we explored in Part 1 of this blog) become conflated:
Divorce = Bad ergo anyone who is divorced = Bad
In an informal survey (undertaken by me) to understand the divorced experience in church (other than my own) I posted an online survey for participants in any denomination. Most were Anglican, but also with many Presbyterians, Baptists and Pentecostals.
- 51% said their church leaders were supportive and compassionate
- 20% said they were judgemental
- 13% said they lacked empathy or concern
- 10% said they had no useful advice
- 17% felt as though they were a burden to the church
- 11% said that they were neglected
- 11% said that they were unwelcome.
In a separate survey in the US, when asked if they were comfortable speaking to church leadership about issues relating to the divorce, 60% said they weren’t with key reasons including that church leaders do not care or are too judgemental. 41% said that they would not trust guidance of church leadership on issues relating to divorce because of lack of relevant or useful advice and lack of empathy of concern.[7]
“Even if it was not your fault that the marriage broke down, you may still feel the congregation and even God himself judging you.”[8]
In a second information survey (also undertaken by me), on single mothers in the church, 46% agreed or strongly agreed that the church was a safe spiritual and emotional space and 56% agreed or strongly agreed that the congregation accepted them with compassion and kindness. This means that there are opportunities for church leaders and pastoral carers to develop their skills and understanding of divorce and application of our theology. It also means that the family of God is in many ways (at congregational level) working the way it should in providing divorcees and single parents with a place to feel supported and loved.
This is important because in the 2021 census, 12% of our Australian population was divorced or separated. According to the NCLS, our church population of divorced or separated was half of that number. Now, we would expect the church to look different to the world. We view marriage differently. In addition, within the church is perhaps one of the only places where one might find marriage courses to strengthen connection, communication, conflict resolution and intimacy – some of the exact things that avoid irreconcilable differences. So we would expect there to be fewer divorcees than outside the church. But when our number of divorcees is half that in the world, we must ask ourselves if people feel they need to leave the church when they get divorced. In the survey noted above, over 30% moved churches and 15% left the church entirely.
In relation to our churches as havens for the broken in our community, do people not view the church as a place where they can find support and love at one of the worst times in their lives? This is also important for our churches to think about. Firstly, we want to be the place that people look to in our communities and see us displaying through gospel shaped lives, a hope for them in their need, and an avenue for them to find the ultimate hope in Jesus. Secondly, if people do not see our churches as that place of hope for them personally, this should be a useful query to diagnose if we think our church is too inward facing, or if there is something we should do to help people understand that our church is welcoming. There may even be an opportunity to reach people in their need in a world where the concept of divorce is so ubiquitous that it has little to offer people in their pain.
Balancing theology and humanity
In 2016, Sandy Grant wrote that “Despite some good points, the ‘no fault’ divorce law reform of the 1970s further weakened marriage.”[9] I agree with this sentiment while recognising that this did make it easier for women to escape violent marriages.
Separate to those destructive examples, no fault divorce made the un-making of a marriage generally easy, with limited impediments to hinder impulsive decisions, and few triggers to work through the issues to achieve resolution and restoration. This might sound heartless, but recent data shows that 59% of couples who divorced in the first year of marriage cited lack of compatibility. Overall, 31% cited too much conflict/arguing, 24% financial stress, 23% lack of commitment, 20% parenting differences and 10% marrying too young.[10] We have to acknowledge that “irreconcilable differences”, “incompatibility” and “too much conflict” can hide a multitude of sins. That aside, many of these reasons for divorce are arguably factors that would perhaps have been worked on, if there is a will to restore the marriage and divorce were not so easy. And perhaps that is the key. No fault divorce means that you don’t need to have the will to restore things.
Staying close to what we believe is still important though, despite our culture changing around us. “Church doctrine should not be allowed to blow one way and then the other simply because society has changed.”[11]
We will always look different to the world. The world changes. God’s truth remains the same. Part 1 of this blog outlined that “permitted” divorce (or that which is consistent with Scripture and therefore not considered sinful) is different to that sinful behaviour which leads to the divorce. That behaviour in the permitted category includes adultery, desertion, religious persecution or mental or physical cruelty of the spouse or children. But these are not the only reasons people get divorced. There are any number of reasons that fall within those that are scripturally regulated, those that aren’t and those that sort of do but you’re not sure. The following section provides some thoughts that are focussed not on working out which box you might fit in, but how we view marriage and divorce from a broader perspective to balance both our theology and humanity.
Pastoral thoughts
It is important that we stay true to God’s word. It is also important that we care for people with Christlikeness.
Divorce is a legal process, not the person. We can hate one while not hating the other. “Your attitude to divorce is important–because your attitude will show in your relationship towards, and your dealings with, divorced persons.”[12] As we have seen, people’s lived experience of church (as a congregation) has been helpful and supportive which dealings with leadership has been varied.
On the negative side: “There are many wrong attitudes in the conservative churches about divorce and divorcees. From the way that some treat divorced persons, you would think they had committed the unpardonable sin. Let us make it clear, then, that those who wrongly (sinfully) obtain a divorce must not be excused for what they have done: it is a sin. But precisely because it is a sin, it is forgivable…even one who sinfully obtains a divorce can be forgiven, cleansed and restored to Christ’s church…We must not call unclean those whom God has cleansed!”[13]
On the positive side, we have churches with congregations that are compassionate towards (ie suffering with) their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. We have an opportunity to run DivorceCare for our own people and those struggling in our community. We have the opportunity to raise the quality and quantity of our discussion and understanding around divorce so we all benefit from injecting Christ’s wisdom and compassion into the grey areas of life. We have an opportunity to help people see their situation like God does, help them to repent and walk in newness of life in Christ. We have the opportunity to surround them and any children with love, to help them know they are a valuable part of the body of Christ and that they belong.
If you are married and struggling, our churches and church leaders have the opportunity to run Marriage Courses or provide contacts for Christian counsellors. There needs to be opportunities for self-reflection and honest open communication: Have we tried everything to restore the relationship? Is there a will to restore the relationship?
A note of caution to Christian brothers and sisters walking with married friends: The world encourages us to support people by validating them. Sometimes we need to be the voice of gentle wisdom by asking if all avenues have been tried, if you can support them while they explore re-building the relationship. I appreciate this can be difficult as the person you are talking to may have already made up their mind and may be closed off, or has already lost the will to try restoring the relationship. But this is a godly priority for us. The marriage may still fail (even if one spouse wants to restore things but the other doesn’t), but if we walk with them we can help to keep them close to God.
I would only say that this would be inappropriate where there is emotional, physical or psychological abuse. In that situation, counselling restoration could be extremely damaging. In those cases, I would refer them to the leadership to enact the diocesan domestic abuse guidelines. If they are unsure of this, be the person who can walk with them and hold their hand while they find the appropriate counselling. You are not their therapist or saviour, and you yourself also need to be emotionally safe. But as a Christian brother or sister, you can support them through very small actions to let them know they are loved, checking in with them, praying for them.
Pastorally, we have a lot of opportunities to shine Christ’s light in dark places. We can help marriages by providing resources to help people shore up their relationships and provide opportunities to really communicate, and trust each other to be vulnerable with each other in strengthening their connection.
We can help our church leaders to understand divorce and divorcees so they are more equipped to pastorally care for those who are married, marrying in the future (ie marriage prep that is fully rounded) and those who are separated or divorced.
We can support divorcees, single parents and their families. We can help them to walk closely with God as they rebuild life after divorce. We can help them not feel judged and isolated. We can help them feel that they are fully purposeful members of the body and deeply loved by Christ.
We can glorify God by faith expressed through love.
[1] Andrew Cameron, Joined Up Life, 32
[2] In Part 2 of The Estate of Marriage, 1522. (Translated by Walther I. Brandt) accessed at https://www.1215.org/lawnotes/misc/marriage/martin-luther-estate-of-marriage.pdf
[3] https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/common-causes-divorce/
[4] Anne O’Brien, “Militant Mothers: faith, power and identity in the mothers’ union in Sydney, 1896-1950”, Women’s History Review, 9:1, 35-53, 44
[5] https://au.thegospelcoalition.org/article/is-the-mothers-union-still-relevant/
[6] https://research.lifeway.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/DOC-LifeWay-Research-Pastors-divided-on-when-to-perform-weddings.pdf
[7] Undergraduate thesis undertaken at Liberty University in 2020
[8] David Instone-Brewer, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities: 106
[9] https://ccl.moore.edu.au/resources/defining-and-defending-marriage/
[10] Christy Bieber, Leading causes of divorce: 43% Report Lack of Family Support, August 15 2023. https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/common-causes-divorce/
[11] David Instone-Brewer, 125
[12] Jay E. Adams, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible, 24
[13] Jay E. Adams, 24-25
Wow that was a deep dive! Very enlightening